On days like these it is difficult to leave the comfort and safety of my bed. My bed becomes the island of retreat, a place where I can escape. I don’t have to put on an appropriate mask to hide the blackness within. I can be sullen and self effacing and bask in my sea of anonymity. However, the masks are effective as they keep the inquirers from peaking into my deception and prevent me from crumbling into annihilation. But what happens when the masks fall off or don’t fit anymore? Then I must face the world naked and my true self is exposed.
Carl Jung, the famous psychoanalyst, invites us to consider the concept of the collective unconscious where he suggests that our unconscious mirrors significant behavioural patterns. But what if these “behavioural patterns” are destructive or treacherous? What then? How can we defend ourselves against the battle for our sanity?
I am but an unfortunate wench with scars upon my soul too deep and perverse to heal in this millennium. Sadness prevails as I embrace my gloom, wandering aimlessly throughout the caverns of my mind, each one darker and gloomier than the previous. How did I get here? Did I free-fall, or was I pushed? No, I landed here alone one dark and stormy night!
Each morning I struggle to get out of bed and lament my destiny. It is too difficult to rise another day and stretch a fake smile across my mask of broken dreams. I am alone; I am a wretched soul of circumstance. Don’t rescue me for I am not worth your effort. Leave me to lie beside the road; do not lean over to offer a helping hand for I would bite it off in a second.
When the shadow reigns I am vindictive and will taunt you with my blackness. If you take me into your heart I will poison it forever. Take me into your mind and I will infect your thoughts each and every breathless moment. In a heartbeat I will destroy you and every infinitesimal opportunity for happiness. I am you. I am your dark reflection. Look deeper into my pools of lies and I will entice you to the edge of your sanity.
Today we placate these demons with drugs or alcohol. But what if we’re meant to embrace them, to acknowledge them for their existence in our world? How can we defend ourselves when we are lost in victimology? To “feel” would be disastrous and to shield my pain another moment would epitomise the nothingness of my life.
Jung refers to these darker aspects of our personality as the shadow or undeveloped parts which are not meant to have a voice. Conversely, I have chosen to refer to my “shadow” as Athene, Goddess of Justice. Not only does she have a voice but a commanding demeanour delivering an unbeatable doctrine.
Athene is the Warrior Goddess. She stands for Justice. She possesses a brilliant mind and her decisions are based purely on intellectual deliberation. Her empowering energy in my life encourages me to live from the power of my mind rather than the stagnant pool of emotions. On the darkest days she motivates me to get out of bed and walk the beach, stamping away the darkness with each deliberate step. She encourages me to write about my shadow and relish the power of honesty through creativity, to feel comfortable with the words and to embrace the delicate balance of emotional and intellectual well being. She is a stern Goddess, that is true, but the reward is a lantern flickering in the dank fog. Her bounty is the excitement for life and the possibilities therein.
The Warrior Goddess motivates me to dress in the brightest colours and adorn myself with jewels, crystals and fragrances. These secret formulas shield the misery of tortured dreams that haunt me and plague my waking hours. With this archetype I perceive myself as a worthy opponent and am inspired to take up the pen and craft a deft and powerful adversary for my evil reflection. Yes, after the battle I am exhausted but able to reflect upon the experience of the alchemy a time when I must accept my fragility. Other times I celebrate the glory of triumphant battle.
The battle with depression is a precarious and challenging journey. Awareness of our emotionality is an opportunity to make a choice and embrace a holistic life of balance, joy and creativity. When the black dog threatens our contentment we must pick up the sword and defend our right for sobriety and normalness.
BLACK DOG
I sit here all alone and I stroke his shiny coat
He pains me so much more than any words that I have wrote
I take another swig and allow myself some glee
And each horrid disastrous day I lament my destiny
I’ve been lost and yet relished the victimology of my world
Don’t rescue me, I’m not worth the effort, let me grow old
I am an unfortunate wench, my soul too scarred to heal
It’s just another arduous day of suffering I must feel
You know me and you despise me yet you love me all the same
Am I your sister or your brother, or have I your mother’s name
The misery, it haunts your dreams, plagues you’re waking hours
I fade into obscurity; it’s the only option now
Take me into your heart and I will poison it for all time
I’ll infect your breathless thoughts if you let me in your mind
I’ll destroy you in a heartbeat and all chance of happiness
Look deep into my pool of lies, to you I shall confess.
By Julia Ashton-Sayers and T.B Jackson (2006)
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